


Courthouse: Group Chat

by aleanmeanaquamarine



Category: Naruto
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gay, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-01-27 10:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21390469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleanmeanaquamarine/pseuds/aleanmeanaquamarine
Summary: whomst the fuck changed sasuke's ring tone: a group chat fic
Relationships: Gaara/Rock Lee, Haruno Sakura/Yamanaka Ino, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Hyuuga Hinata/Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuuga Neji/Nara Shikamaru, Sarutobi Asuma/Yuuhi Kurenai, Temari/Tenten (Naruto), Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 38
Kudos: 243





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> get ready lads 
> 
> oh uhh and casual mentions of the Sexual Intercourse but only as a joke
> 
> naruto: annoying orange  
sakura: bouquet  
sasuke: fuck this shit i’m out  
neji: Hyūga Neji (later known as superman)  
lee: bruce lee  
tenten: tennessee  
hinata: violet incredible  
kiba: a dog’s purpose  
shino: ant-man  
shikamaru: bedtime  
chōji: human boulder  
ino: flower girl  
gaara: sand guardian, guardian of the sand  
kankurō: puppetmaster  
temari: chinese fan dance  
gai: YOUTH  
kakashi: dog-sensei  
kurenai: i’m with stupid  
asuma: stupid  
iruka: dolphin  
anko: snake lady

_ **Courthouse, #general** _

_**fuck this shit i’m out** just joined… or did they?_

_**annoying orange** just slid into the server. _

_**bouquet** has arrived. Party’s over._

_Welcome, **Hyūga Neji**. We hope you brought pizza. _

_**bruce lee** just joined. Can I get a heal?_

_**tennessee** just showed up. Hold my beer. _

_v**iolet incredible** joined your party. _

_Swoooosh. **a dog’s purpose** just landed. _

_A wild **ant-man** appeared. _

_**bedtime** has spawned in the server._

_**human boulder** is here, as the prophecy foretold._

_We’ve been expecting you, **flower girl**_

_**sand guardian, guardian of the sand** just joined. Everyone, look busy! _

_It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Never mind, it’s **puppetmaster420**._

_**chinese fan dance** has joined the battle bus._

fuck this shit i’m out: you may be wondering why i called you all here today

fuck this shit i’m out: it’s because one of you FUCKERS set my GODDAMN RINGTONE to my neck my back

fuck this shit i’m out: and _called_ me in the middle of lit. class

flower girl: wait so you mean

fuck this shit i’m out: _yeah_

a dog’s purpose: ,,,mY NECK

tennessee: MY BACK 

bedtime: LICK MY PUSSY AND MY CRACK

fuck this shit i’m out: _YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THAT WAS TO EXPLAIN TO KAKASHI_

annoying orange: can confirm, was there, kaka-sensei looked so confused

bouquet: priceless

bedtime: wish i could’ve seen that

fuck this shit i’m out: _THIS ISN’T FUNNY_

violet incredible: ,,,it kinda is, sasuke-kun

fuck this shit i’m out: gd it hinata, not uou too,,, making a groupchat was a terrible idea

ant-man: You really should’ve expected this.

fuck this shit i’m out: you’re right

fuck this shit i’m out: i got detention tho so i’m still mad

bruce lee: What Is Going On Here, My Youthful Friends???

annoying orange: well you see

tennessee: dON’T TELL HIM

a dog’s purpose: why not

tennessee: HE’S YOO PURE

annoying orange: and i’m not??

bouquet: you’ve tried to read kaka-sensei’s book more than 28 times, knowing full well it’s porn

Hyūga Neji: it’s what???

annoying orange: you didn’t have to tell them

bruce lee: Well I Guess I Will Just Scroll Up!!

Hyūga Neji: oh no

bedtime: look what you’ve done

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: i just don’t understand why i’m here

puppetmaster: same

chinese fan dance: we don’t even go to your school

fuck this shit i’m out: _i can’t trust anyone_

puppetmaster: who are you, gaara?

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: low blow

Hyūga Neji: unrelated but @annoying orange are you eating ramen on the training grounds

annoying orange: ...how did you know

bouquet: goddamnit naruto

Hyūga Neji: i saw you, with my Byakugan

superman: ...naruto

annoying orange: yes neji

superman: did you just. change my name. to superman

annoying orange: what of it

bruce lee: What Is A Pussy? 

tennessee: ...and that’s all for today, folks

bedtime: oh god

human boulder: what do we do now

violet incredible: this isn’t good

flower girl: well, when a man and a woman love each other very much

bouquet: ino, darling, love of my life

bouquet: shut up

bruce lee: I Asked Gai-Sensei, But He Wouldn’t Tell Me!

fuck this shit i’m out: _you asked_

bedtime: oh god

tennessee: ...fuck

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: lee. why am i dating you

bruce lee: You Told Me You Loved Me!

puppetmaster: he did?

chinese fan dance: _he did??_

puppetmaster: ...gaara’s offline

bruce lee: Oh No!!

chinese fan dance: this is blackmail material

a dog’s purpose: i’m sorry, can we just go back to the fact that lee asked gai-sensei what a pussy is???

violet incredible: no

tennessee: no

superman: no

annoying orange: no

a dog’s purpose: okay

** _Children Suck, #general_ **

YOUTH: Why Did Lee Just Ask Me What A Vagina Is?

dog-sensei: ...goddamnit, sasuke


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? actually posting another chapter? kind of surprising ngl but here it is
> 
> naruto: annoying orange  
sakura: bouquet  
sasuke: fuck this shit i’m out  
neji: superman  
lee: bruce lee  
tenten: tennessee  
hinata: violet incredible  
kiba: a dog’s purpose  
shino: ant-man  
shikamaru: bedtime  
chōji: human boulder  
ino: flower girl  
gaara: sand guardian, guardian of the sand  
kankurō: puppetmaster  
temari: chinese fan dance  
gai: YOUTH  
kakashi: dog-sensei  
kurenai: i’m with stupid  
asuma: stupid  
iruka: dolphin  
anko: snake lady

_ **Courthouse, #general** _

bedtime: so today in class

bedtime: kaka-sensei was using anime as an example for literature

bedtime: like any respectable language teacher

bedtime: and someone jumps through the window

bedtime: and shouts

flower girl: dON’T FUCK WITH ME, I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD _AND_ ANIME ON MY SIDE

a dog’s purpose: it was me

bedtime: kiba isn’t even in our class

human boulder: where did he come from

_**dog-sensei** is here to kick butt and chew bubblegum. And **dog-sensei** is all out of gum._

dog-sensei: where did he go,,,

bouquet: WHERE DID _HE_ COME FROM

annoying orange: cotton-eye joe??

chinese fan dance: oh my god _naruto_

dog-sensei: i’m serious, where’s sasuke

_Roses are red, violets are blue, **dolphin** joined this server with you_

dolphin: we’ve been looking for him for literal ages

fuck this shit i’m out: more importantly, how do i change my ringtone back

a dog’s purpose: NOBODY TELL HIM

dog-sensei: sasuke.

fuck this shit i’m out: that’s me

dog-sensei: get home. right now.

annoying orange: ooh, sasuke, you’re in troubleeeeeee

dolphin: naruto you’re not home either

annoying orange: ,,,fuck

fuck this shit i’m out: how did you guys get in here anyways???

bedtime: lee let you in. didn’t he.

bruce lee: Oops?

flower girl: first can we talk about how kaka-sensei and iruka-sensei type gay

flower girl: bc they type gay

ant-man: What do you mean??

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: the ‘,,,’. the lowercase. how they both have discord, despite not actually gaming. it all adds up.

puppetmaster: it’s true, if gaara can see it than anybody can

tennessee: not lee

bruce lee: My Youthful Companion! Ouch.

superman: she’s not wrong

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: you made him cry.

chinese fan dance: start running

bruce lee: Do Not Fear, These Are Tears Of Joy!!

violet incredible: i’ve never really understood that

a dog’s purpose: hon i don’t think anybody does

ant-man: Hinata’s blushing.

a dog’s purpose: good

flower girl: back to the point, kaka-sensei and iruka-sensei are totally gay for each other and you can’t convince me otherwise

annoying orange: nobody’s trying to

fuck this shit i’m out: they so are. take it from the people who live with them.

bouquet: they’re gay. i’m over so often. it’s not even funny how in love they are

dolphin: now kids

flower girl: _they’re still in here. fuck._

violet incredible: mods do something

bedtime: no

fuck this shit i’m out: i’ve given up on life

dog-sensei: runs in the family

a dog’s purpose: i think this is proof you three are kaka-sensei’s favorites.

annoying orange: doesn’t mean he grades us any better...

bouquet: <s>or faster</s>

bedtime: callout if _i’ve_ ever seen it

dog-sensei: ouch

dolphin: you know it’s true.

dog-sensei: ,,,_ouch_.

puppetmaster: i felt his pain all the way from suna

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: kankurō visibly winced

chinese fan dance: can’t blame him, harsh words

fuck this shit i’m out: .did a channel named “#kakashi-sucks” just appear

_ **Courthouse, #kakashi-sucks** _

bedtime: i’m doing god’s work, uchiha

annoying orange: this is the teacher channel, ban them from talking anywhere but here

dog-sensei: really feelin the love

It's **snake lady**! Praise the sun! \\[T]/

**i’m with stupid** joined. You must construct additional pylons.

Where’s **i’m stupid?** In the server!

snake lady: is this a kakashi hate party because i’m here for it

i’m stupid: ngl you were kinda asking for it with our server name

i’m with stupid: children do suck tho

bouquet: clearly you’ve all been up to things behind our backs

_ **Children Suck, #general** _

snake lady: we’ve been discovered

dolphin: _run_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my bad, super late. workin on a long fic. coming soon hopefully.
> 
> naruto: annoying orange  
sakura: bouquet  
sasuke: fuck this shit i’m out  
neji: superman  
lee: bruce lee  
tenten: tennessee  
hinata: violet incredible  
kiba: a dog’s purpose  
shino: ant-man  
shikamaru: bedtime  
chōji: human boulder  
ino: flower girl  
gaara: sand guardian, guardian of the sand  
kankurō: puppetmaster  
temari: chinese fan dance  
gai: YOUTH  
kakashi: dog-sensei  
kurenai: i’m with stupid  
asuma: stupid  
iruka: dolphin  
anko: snake lady

** _Courthouse, #general_ **

a dog’s purpose: my jaw drops to the floor, my eyes extend at a velocity never before seen, i take out a boxing glove and hit myself with it 17 times, pant like a dog, and yell AOOOOGA AOOOOGA then turn to the audience and say in 1930’s new york accent “HOT MAMA, now that’s a dame!”

ant-man: He saw Hinata in public.

bedtime: ,,,since nobody else is saying it. kiba, what the FUCK

flower girl: BELIEVE ME SHIKA WE’RE SAYING IT

ant-man: Did you know that the best way to get rid of a corpse is by placing it in a pigpen?

bruce lee: ...What?

tennessee: shino???

annoying orange: i’m scared sasuke protect me

fuck this shit i’m out: refer to nickname

bouquet: i’ll save you, naruto

annoying orange: SASUKE I’M LEAVING YOU AND RUNNING OFF WITH SAKURA INTO THE SUNSET

fuck this shit i’m out: you’re gay and sakura’s a lesbian

bouquet: it’s true

flower girl: it’s true

superman: okay but why does Shino know this??

human boulder: i don’t know???

bedtime: clearly he’s had some experience in this area

dog-sensei: ...i think we’re obligated to report this?

dolphin: ...i think you’re right.

violet incredible: oh no.

annoying orange: ABORT ABORT FUCKING  _ ABORT  _

annoying orange: THE TEACHERS ARE STILL IN HERE. 

annoying orange: I REPEAT: THE TEACHERS ARE STILL IN HERE.

bouquet: FUCK

flower girl: GO GO GO

a dog’s purpose: OH MY GOD WAIT KAKA-SENSEI IRUKA-SENSEI PLEASE DON’T REPORT US

puppetmaster: god, i’m glad i don’t go to konoha high

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: same

chinese fan dance: same

dog-sensei: i know your parents

puppetmaster: ...weLL LOOK AT THE TIME

dolphin: …

a dog’s purpose: ...oh my god they’re actually gone

tennessee: i can’t believe you chased off my girlfriend, kaka-sensei

violet incredible: i don’t think that’s the biggest issue here…

bruce lee: She’s Right! The Teachers Are Still In The Chat!

YOUTH: Is There A Problem With It, Lee?   


bruce lee: Of Course Not, Gai-Sensei!! I Would Be Honored To Ha

superman: i took away his phone.

tennessee: absolute legend

bouquet: okay but what are we doing about the teachers???

dog-sensei: you could just… leave us alone…

a dog’s purpose: haha funny joke

ant-man: Unlikely.

bedtime: ...really?

bruce lee: Sorry, Kaka-Sensei!

fuck this shit i’m out: fat chance

flower girl: i agree with the gays

snake lady: that was kind of stupid, kakashi

dog-sensei: anko you’re supposed to be on my side??

dolphin: why am i married to you

i’m with stupid: because he’s hot

dolphin: ...i mean yeah but tHE CHILDREN, KURENAI

bouquet: tmi. t-m-fucking-i. 

flower girl: didn’t we exile them to #kakashi-sucks??

fuck this shit i’m out: no. 

bedtime: no. 

annoying orange: OUR MODS ARE FUCKING INEFFECTIVE 

dolphin: language

annoying orange: *OUR MODS ARE FREAKING INEFFECTIVE

dolphin: better

bedtime: we’re just agents of chaos

human boulder: shikamaru you don’t have the energy to be chaotic

flower girl: he’s right and you know it

bedtime: ... _ sasuke _ ’s an agent of chaos

bouquet: yeah, just ask itachi

tennessee: oh SHIT

bedtime: uh oh

a dog’s purpose: low fuckin BLOW

dog-sensei: naruto track him down, iruka and i will corner him

annoying orange: on it

flower girl: sakura i love you but sasuke’s getting arrested for murder now and it’s all your fauly

fuck this shit i’m out: i hate this hell group chat


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. naruto what the fuck  
2\. sai is introduced. (he is paintbrush)  
3\. upperclassmen are yall good??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> naruto: annoying orange  
sakura: bouquet  
sasuke: fuck this shit i’m out  
neji: Hyūga Neji (later known as superman)  
lee: bruce lee  
tenten: tennessee  
hinata: violet incredible  
kiba: a dog’s purpose  
shino: ant-man  
shikamaru: bedtime  
chōji: human boulder  
ino: flower girl  
sai: paintbrush  
gaara: sand guardian, guardian of the sand  
kankurō: puppetmaster  
temari: chinese fan dance  
gai: YOUTH  
kakashi: dog-sensei  
kurenai: i’m with stupid  
asuma: i’m stupid  
iruka: dolphin  
anko: snake lady

_ **Courthouse, #general** _

annoying orange: hey did you guys study for that test?

fuck this shit i’m out: what test

bouquet: what test

ant-man: I was not aware that we had a test.

a dog’s purpose: he’s fuckin offline

bouquet: NARUTO WE SHARE THE SAME CLASSES GET THE FUCK BACK HERE

flower girl: oh my god

a dog’s purpose: say sike. say sike RIGHT NOW

annoying orange: lmao

bouquet: I SWEAR TO GOD NARUTO I WILL KILL UOU

tennesee: lmao look at all the underclassmen… suffering… aren’t you glad we don’t have to deal with that

superman: Tenten, i haven’t slept in three days it doesn’t get any fucking easier

bruce lee: I Agree! My Entire Body Hurts And I Am Afraid For My Life!!! I May Fall Asleep With My Eyes Open!

violet incredible: are you guys okay??

a dog’s purpose: who CARES hinata we have a test!

annoying orange: i can’t believe you all fell for that…

ant-man: ...Wow.

fuck this shit i’m out: watch your back, naruto

bouquet: fuck you. genuinely fuck you

annoying orange: but we do have a science test and you’re all gonna fail except shikamaru

human boulder: shikamaru didn’t study either!!

fuck this shit i’m out: yeah but he has braincells, unlike the rest of you

bedtime: not wnough

flower girl: can confirm: is stupid

fuck this shit i’m out: god, i hate gay people

bouquet: ,,,sasuke, i hate to break it to you

superman: did he forget…?

annoying orange: we are LITERALLY dating

fuck this shit i’m out: i stand by my words. 

annoying orange: ...sasuke, we talked about this

_ Never gonna give _ ** _paintbrush _ ** _ up. Never gonna give _ ** _paintbrush _ ** _ down. _

paintbrush: Indeed, Sasuke does seem to dislike homosexuals. 

tennessee: who the fuck is he

violet incredible: are you a teacher??

a dog’s purpose: oh hell no

annoying orange: oh my god it’s him

puppetmaster: who?

bouquet: everybody, this is sai. 

human boulder: it’s nice to meet you, sai!

paintbrush: Hello, Fatty :)

human boulder: the fuck did you just say

flower girl: oh no

bedtime: this new kid has five seconds before choji comes to disembowel him. he better hide

annoying orange: and i thought the time he called sakura ugly was bad.

bouquet: i will never forget

ant-man: That is certainly a cause for concern.

flower girl: guys, sai isn’t _ that _bad. he’s kind of a dick but otherwise he’s pretty nice??

bouquet: babe :,(

flower girl: never mind he’s hellspawn and deserves to die

bouquet: babe :,)

sand guardian, guardian of the sand: wow, what a change of heart

paintbrush: I hear knocking on my door. 

bedtime: it’s choji. prepare to die. 

paintbrush: I am ready

flower girl: he kind of reminds me of sasuke

bouquet: you’re right

fuck this shit i’m out: i approve.

dog-sensei: i get the idea i’m supposed to step in but i’m just going to pretend this didn’t happen

dolphin: teacher of the year, everybody.

violet incredible: okay but guys, is the grade above us okay?

tennesee: no

bruce lee: No!!!

superman: what’s ‘okay’

** _Children Suck, #General_ ** ****

dog-sensei: hey, Gai, ever think we push the kids too hard?

YOUTH: Never! The Hardworking Little Lotus Blossoms Will Bloom Under Our Loving But Tough Care!!

dog-sensei: right, i was just curious


End file.
